Myth #3: You Need Bells and Whistles for Great Sex - WRONG
If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the internet you’d think the secret to great sex was sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam you’d think it was some little blue pill.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. Great sex does not come from pills, props or positions.
Those are the icing on the cake.
You need to know how to make the cake before you ice it.You need to know about making the time and the place, about surrender and sensuality, about intimacy and eroticism. That’s what makes sex great.
Then if you want to add a few toys or try out some new positions (and possibly try pills or sprays to aid erection – but only under medical advice), go for it. But a dildo on its own won’t spice up a flagging sex life. Let’s look at something really basic to see what I mean - good ol’ fashioned missionary position: man on top, woman on bottom.
Try it like this:
- she semi-reclines on a bed of pillows wearing a silk chemise while he feeds her cherries as he moves within her;
- she moves to the side of the bed and dangles her head over the edge;
- she puts her feet on his chest;
- or crossed behind his back;
- or one up and one down;
- they roll off the bed and continue on a bear rug on the floor;
- she lies blindfolded, listening to music through headphones as he moves at a consistent rhythm;
- they play trancy house music and move to the beat that goes on and on and on…
- her hips are slightly raised, he kneels before her, he’s deep inside without moving, and she grinds her pelvis slowly, delicately, with little little movements and feels the tingle build to a charge that spreads throughout her body;
- they lie together barely moving, looking into each other’s eyes, and keep on looking past the point of comfort until they pass into another realm;
- he changes the depth and pattern of his thrusts, four shallow to one deep;
- he increases the depth of his thrusts in a series of seven, each a little deeper than before;
- she raises herself on her arms and thrusts hard back at him as he thrusts hard into her;
- he keeps his eyes open looking at her as he comes;
- she does the same;
- he grinds his hips instead of thrusting;
- she squeezes her vaginal muscles with each of his withdrawals;
- they do it on the kitchen table, still clothed, both so hot after a luscious evening out…
And I haven’t even started on what they might be doing with their hands and mouths as this is going on. Add passionate kisses, kisses or bites to the neck, fondling and kissing of breasts, tweaking of nipples (his and hers), stimulation of clitoris with fingers, inserting of fingers into vagina along with penis (his or hers), sucking of her toes, pulling of hair, stroking of bodies in general…
So, is missionary really all that boring?
What do you think?
Wishing you better sex,
Jacqueline Hellyer
The Holistic Sex Coach
For information on the PreLaunch of my new book see
December 17th, 2007 at 11:12 am
You go hon! It’s about time women got talking about how to have better sex…rather than concentrating on how to give their men better sex (in itself an important aspiration no doubt but often pursued to the detriment of all else). I must admit explicit details make me squeemish and I start looking over my shoulder to see if I’m about to be hailed as a pervert but it’s all good stuff so keep it coming!!
June 8th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Wow!
If I could get my partner to do this I think that I’d pass out.
We have been together for about 8 years; 2 children, mortgage, French car, flat bed tv, good jobs and absolutely no sex life. I’ve got my masturbation technique down to a sublime art. She is touchy about everything, always counter-attacking me whenever I take up anything that might be construed as being an attack, verbal of course. I just need to say something like you’ve got perfume on today and you’re going to work. She works as a parole officer. Then it’s gloves off, her’s. Every time this happens it’s like getting a bucket of icy water poured down my jocks.